Quite the long since I last wrote here. Two months and ten days to be exact.
I think we are having setbacks or I'm getting worse gradually. In the last sessions my non-verbal freeze state got more frequent. Lately I often come out like this wasn't good at all.
Human proceeds to smoke two cigarettes in the park infront
I'm aware that I do this in avoidant self-calming mode.
So the session..
As I said the non-verbal freezes are getting more frequent, I do not know what she thinks about them, but she surely feels it.
Lately she made me sent her the voice when it speaks and she usually replies to them. The last one was quite mean so she replied with a longer thing.
"- What have you felt when saw my reply?"
"- ... I don't know.."
My actual reply would have been that: "I saw it and made my stomach turn.".
"- It must have made you feel something."
"- I know it was something but I don't know what.." (You're lying dear)
"- Negative or positive?"
"- Negativish I think"
She asked about my week. I barely could recall a thing and I don't know why. Like I wasn't even there. Like I wasn't exissting for a week.. Time collapses in my mind lately and close memories collide.
Looks like I think that my failures are because of me. But I couldn't recall a success of mine when I felt that..
By the way a normal person thinks that:
> Their successes are because of themselfs
> Their failures are because of some kind of outer factor. (No, normally you don't think that if you fail that is always your fault.)
The depressed/anxious person thinks the opposite. So something like this:
> Success is because of some outer factor.
> Failure is because of themselfs.
That is probably me right there. Hi
Then she wanted me to see that the voice is cruel and my inner child gets it/hears it too. At first she wanted to use a childhood picture of me for this. Then she dismissed the idea so she just used a random photo from Google and showed it to me.
"- I will read them up and I need you to think about this like these are being said to her."
Say with me by now, she began reading.
There comes the reason why I needed three cigarettes after session. Seriously, if I know this I bring the whole box.
My 'system' immidately noticed that that is from in here and began blairing with signals.
P: You're anxious kid.
I think at a point I looked at her like stop this for gods fucking sake. Actually I think I looked at her the whole time, not even at the picture she was showing me. After she stopped, she tried to get me to tell what I felt but barely a sound left me.
The fun is that I can't even stand to hear my own thoughts loudly, not even hearing 'him' loudly. (She wasn't using the right punctuation but the messages were recognized.)