Crying in therapy..
In the hospital it felt so weird to see all the girls coming out crying from their therapists. It was weird I never cried in therapy.. It was weird to see them like that. I somehow didn't understod them.
Then after three years I caught off guard my therapist. She was talking and I just started crying.. Not hysterically, just slow tears flowing down, my body shrinking trying to get smaller..
- 'Can you write me down what you feel? Sadness, fear or pain?'
"Sadness and pain"
- 'Can you tell me which part of my speaking triggered this?'
"The part where you said they see me and I'm loveable.."
Like she enlightened suddenly she saw that my base connection need is heavily unfulfilled.
She sat closer to me and put her hand onto my knee. Wanted me to see and feel that I'm seen and heard. Felt a bit weird? Or I don't know.. I don't cry infront of people usually, well only on really rare occasions. Maybe only 4 people saw me crying, who weren't my family.
- 'There is a Lily who wants to get better, wants better and I'm sure about that. Otherwise you wouldn't be here.'
If I only would know how to get better.. but I don't.
- 'And I want to speak to her. It can get better, you just have to be a bit more active.'
I know she pushes me to make me step on the chess board. I feel so unable to step like things not working.