After 3 moths we had our second session.
She quickly noticed that I'm in a pretty detached mode and I won't really speak to her. I felt empty so damn empty. Lost inside I saw her heard her questions, but could not answer.
Then she jumped up and pulled infront of her an other chair. Which was situated towards her desk.
"- I would like to talk with this protecting mode.. Sit here, so you move a bit."
And she did what we all anticipated, talked.. Persistently tried to talk through my conciousness. Just to reach to that thing she wanted to have a talk with.
I got anxious. We sat too close to eachother. My eyes were constantly out of focus she was too close, I barely could see her not doubled. (note: I can have doubled vision. this is only a cause of the huge difference between my two eyes) I was fidgeting with the strap of my dead watch. I could only hear the words: "stay in control." inside. I was at the verge of crying.
I think after a while she noticed I competely shut down and her out. I wasn't even moving technically. She only could get an answer for questions with our old hand gesture driven yes or no.
"- Left hand no, right hand yes."
But this was also really slow. She barely could get anything out of me.
She told me just to close my eyes she won't look. It felt hard to close my eyes, I almost couldn't..
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.
She tried to make me meditate. I like looking at highways.. I don't like to meditate, I also don't like those imagnary excersises. That one with the closed eyes, picturing things inside. I don't like that, so I kinda was just in my airless deepspace.