Well I survived my exam..
It wasn't a particularly bad day, but I couldn't say that I was enjoying it. The exam had 4 parts:
We had to cater two guests w the food the other group made in the kitchen, while we were outside on the front doing the tables and reciting our 'portfolio'. And we had to mix a coctail.
Well mixing the cocktail was quite the fun. I had to make a Lucky driver.
Now for the record i will tell you what do we put into that:
Now you might wonder why I highlighted the amount of 'Grenadine syrup'. Well on the exam I put 2 cl into the drink and even a little bit more. I shaked the thing up w ice poured it out and it was hella more red than it should've been. And the exam president and my catering helping teacher also saw the off color of the drink. They were like:
- Drink it down a bit and pull it up with orange juice.
I was really hesitant at first like 'really?'. Then I did it (i don't think it was more sweeter than it should've been tho). And they were like:
- We saw nothing don't worry. We saw nothing.
We had to recite our portfolio. This was the part I feared the most. Like I barely could even write the parts on time and I was really anxious about it bc it felt like I am unable to learn it.
I had to cook a vegetable risotto. I think it turned out well. Like I ate from it and i think it was quite good. But some people from other kitchens mentioned that they only heard me swearing. I was anxious while at it like nothing really wanted to work like it should've worked. A teacher at a point even asked if I had some paperwork abt mental things (she thought abt adhd bc I was competely anxious always speaking to myself or well swearing xd).
Also this turned out somehow but not the way it should've. My batter turned out weird and didn't wanted to get off from the parchment paper. I couldn't even roll it up normally. I cut it up and it had a FUCKING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. YOU LITERALLY COULD SEE THROUGH THAT HOLE.
As I said the portfolio was the most stressing part in my opinion. I barely could write it because some part was only a broad thing I barely could point things like Yes! This is that!. Nope I didn't felt that possible. Like I wasn't getting where should I hold the theme I was given to write about.
The other hard thing is were that I had to learn the text. Which I felt like I fucking couldn't. I hate to hear my voice in english and when presenting. I was fucking struggling with it. It made me fucking struggle with myself and everything. I still do.
It was weird. Everyone hinted that I will be feeling better after the exam, like it will be better about it and the things. My therapist said that no matter what grade I get I should 'reward' myself because of it. Like I did fucking survived this shit.
Well I didn't. I don't feel better about it or myself. I feel like I got only a mediocore grade, feels like I wasn't doing enough.
My exam was on friday. The reality hit me like I survived this, but felt nothing else. Like everyone said that I will feel better after my exams have passed but I didn't really. I don't know what I was waiting for... maybe like for some sort of exatasy like "Fuck yeah we survived this shit."