Is it possible that I don't remember? Probably it was the usual suffer in the dark (hush child).
Some random girl started following me on Instagram and a friend of mine told me that she has a crush on me.
I followed her back. Why not? I wanted to hear from her if she is in love with me. She was in love with me. In april we got together, I loved her and she saw the messages with my exes. She said she wouldn't do this with me what they did. She told me she would protect me.. She failed at the end twice. We broke up in the start of May.
May was something. I spent weekends drinking at my friends place. They set me together with a boy. Pretty, handsome and kind but that was only body we didn't knew anything. He was normal. Not like my previous ones. And that was strange 'a normal' person dates with me. Buys me things even if I'm over independent ans self-concious. I couldn't open up to him. I was scared what if I scare him with my problems and wounds. I never dated someone who wasn't wounded like me. Maybe that also means that I never had a normal relationship.
She came back. Leaving me a sucide letter in our discord chat.. I saved her and I tried really hard to keep the hope or something in her. All summer she was thinking about why did I saved her.
At that time I loved her. I loved her more than myself. Thats why I saved her.
The summer went peacefully well nearly peacefully. We had some fight, but we solved them. I felt we were doing better than last time that we were better than last time. She took me out to see the fireworks and I bought her flowers and dressed up pretty.
I went to Finland it was really pretty. I kinda miss being there. I cherish my videos from there.
At the start we was like we were in Summer then everything broke apart. I got to know that she had a delicately made plan. The paranoid void of fear consumed me. I tried to talk with some safe people around me about it. All told me that I should call an ambulance on her. I didn't wanted so at the end I had to get an adult's attention so I spoke briefly with her mother. She got mad at me in the matter of days. Demanded her things back, told me to starve myself to death and left.
In dormetry I got 2 new roommates and one who was my roommate for a period last year too. The new girls. They are cute. But on the other hand also really strange. Not like any other roommates I had, they are always in the room. They care? Try to see me?
On second thought they try to care. They want to. I don't get why.
After september I didn't had therapy.. I think this gives some answers. That's why the therapy logs stopped
Maybe worse than the last one. I'm over 6 or 7 maybe more... I had some what I didn't marked in. I kinda miss therapy, being watched over talking it out. I have mood swings harsh or atleast they feel harsh. At a second I think of leaving, at the other second I'm happy and fun with my friends.. I hate this..
It's almost Christmas. I can't believe it. I don't really want it somehow. I don't feel like I deserve it?
Christmas happened and what I felt was almost or pretty close to nothing. Ofcourse I played what I had to play, but I felt nothing. Apparently I feel the same even right now.
We had New Years Eve it's fucking 2025 rn. It wasn' bad. Unfortunately it is hard to play music in my liking, but no problem. I was talking to a girl all night almost fully sober. Funny how I always have alcohol on hand when I don't have mood to drink and get wasted to core.