I told her things this time..
But a lot of things happened. Things what I didn't wanted to happen.
-"In our usual scale what is your mood?"
-"A five I think"
-"In minus"
-"Aren't we thinking in 1-10?" - I looked at her.
-"We do it's just doesn't look like a five. You look like someone who is just draging themselfs."
At this point I'm just existing.. I went to therapy like a blank paper. The past week was too much. She was right I'm just draging myself.
I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her.I can't lose her. I can't lose her.I can't lose her.I can't lose her.I can't lose her.I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her. I can't lose her.
I will lose her, right?
She was really suicidal last week. I saw almost everything, she told me things and the things that didn't get told I also saw some of those. It hurts. I want to help her.
I can't..
-"You can't help her. It's not your responsibility to pull her out of the hole. Even I couldn't do it with my partner, but I have education and years of working here. Even I couldn't do it. You can't help her.."
I lived through things like this so many times, but it haven't got any easier..
It always hurts like hell. I burn up in it.
They always promise:
"I will stay no matter what."
"Forever"
"I won't leave you."
"You won't lose me, I promise."
Then all of them wants to commit/attempts. I hate this.
Sometimes I wish my heart could just stop when hers does. So I don't have to suffer through the grief and it's less pain for everyone else.. Atleast it would be an accident, not a suicide. I know they would suffer, if I commit so I just hope for a miracle to end me. It hasn't come yet. Sometimes I really hope..
Dw I hate myself for it so you don't have to.
At the end this makes my inner child so scared. She is so afraid of that she likes someone and they leave or hurt her.. I'm sorry kiddo.
I don't know when can I believe her words and I hate that. I can't decide if she tells me the truth about her how being, but I know she tells me the truth. I still can't trust it, I'm still paranoid. I'm still scared and maybe that's all I will be.
Sometimes I hear Petra's voice in me how she tries to calm me down or just keep my soul really here. Just trying to help me get along sometimes with life.
I'm starting to run out of time before that 3 months.. We have only 2 session left. I don't know what will happen. I mean my eating is already starting to get bad.. I guess we will see.