I started thinking about this owhen we held the Room-Chirstmas. I think Réka threw in the question. I don't really think that I gave them an answer for the question. It doesn't mean that I didn't wanted it's just sounded like a too deep answer. Compared to the current mood of the room. They were 'too' happy to hear my answer for my question. I didn't wanted to ruin the moment honestly.
For this question I could give you two answers a short and a long one.
Short Answer: My biggest fear is that my lover kills themselfs
Long Answer:
I had 3 partners until now and all of them just made this fear deeper and deeper in me.
My first love. An adorable boy, and a pretty long relationship. Maybe the start of my downfall that is still continuing. Oh how many times I wanted to help him stop him, talk him away from he blade that crossed his skin. That tainted him, tainted us later. Maybe he said almost attempt like words to me twice in maybe two or three years of relationship.
He wasn't bad and we still talk sometimes.
My second lover. A beautiful, caring, lover girl. I also tried to talk her away from what taints both of our skin. Sometimes I succeeded she said. She was maybe the first who I knew that actually wants to try it. I remember she tried two times for sure. And I'm not too sure but I believe that she tried an another time too.
She was my best.. And I was bad to her towards the end because I was too unwell and tired. I regretted it, she never will believe it to me or know it.
The last one. A girl, seemingly pretty and caring. It looked like that for a long time. She was but even after I told her my past. It happened agian. History repeats itself isn't it?
It always does. We were together twice. She tried three or four times. When we were togwther for the second times she did it twice. I was there and the last one was the worst.
It was serious. She had a plan. A detailed one. And I knew about it 2 or 3 weeks before.
I think this last time made me fear it truly deeply. If I get to know about any kind of sign then a paranoia hits in the back of my mind. And you can't erase it. It settled into a corner of my mind. Not even thinking about leaving me alone for even a second.
Or I just haven't met anyone who could kill this paranoia in me.